Malaysia 's CSI Story

Ahmed died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the
morgue needed someone to identify the body.

As he had no family, they called up his two best friends, Ah Beng
and Kumar.

Ah Beng went in first and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Ah
Beng said, "Wah-lau-eh, he's very barbecued like cha siu. But if
you would roll him over, I will tell you if he's my friend Ahmed or not."
The mortician rolled the body over.

Ah Beng looked at his ass and said, "Heng-ah! No-lah, dat not
Ahmed." The mortician was puzzled how he was so sure but he didn't
say anything.

He went and got Kumar to check the body.

Kumar looked closely and said, "Aiyoyo, it is true he's burnt very bad,
but need you to roll him over and I can confirm if he's my friend, Ahmed."
Again the mortician rolled the body over.

Kumar looked down at the ass and said, "Aiyoyo, oh no no, this is
definitely not Ahmed."

The mortician, unable to suppress his curiosity any longer, said,
"Okay, you have to tell me now - how can you and Ah Beng tell for
sure this is not Ahmed?"

Kumar said, "Well, this Ahmed, he had two assholes."

"What?!!" the mortician said in disbelief, "He had two assholes?!!"
"Oh yes, everyone in the neighbourhood knows this.

Every time the three of us go out, people always say, ' Here comes Ahmed with the two assholes '."

Superman & Wonder Woman

One day while superman was enjoying the view as he flown high up in the air, he saw wonder woman laying naked on the bench, sun bathing.

He thought "wow! sexy babe, nice body." and yes he was thinking all the bad things. Suddenly he had a crazy, he thought he could move so fast that even wonder woman would not notice him. So he graped this golden opportunity and ML with her as fast as possible without her notice.

"slop! pop!" Superman was done in a split second, with the smile on his face and the satisfaction that he got, he quickly flow away from the crime scene.

"ouch!!!!!!!!!""What the F, something was pock my x hole!", cried invisible man, as he was intruded while enjoy kissing wonder woman.

moral of the story: Feel before you pock

How come Study = Fail?

No Study = Fail
Study = No Fail (+)
----------------------------------

No Study + Study = Fail + No Fail

(No + 1) Study = (No + 1) Fail

Study = Fail

Ah Beng & Ah Lian Jokes

Ah Seng wants to make love with Ah Lian but he is afraid that Ah Lian will get pregnant, so he approaches his friend Ah Beng for advice.

Ah Beng said "Aiya, very easy one lah. Nah, take this packet of condoms and follow the instructions, nothing will happen one."

So Ah Seng takes the condom and at night makes love with Ah Lian.

Two months later, Ah Seng comes to look for Ah Beng and tells him that Ah Lian is pregnant.

"Cannot be what, did you follow the instructions or not?" asks Ah Beng.

"Na -bei! Got lah. The box says "Stretch the condom over organ before intercourse, I got no organ, so I stretch it over my piano loh."

---

Ah Beng to a long-distance telephone operator: "Could you please tell me the time difference between Taipei and Las Vegas?"

Operator: "Just a minute........." Ah Beng: "Thank you," and puts down the phone.

---

At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender," JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." and his companion say, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."

The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks," AND YOU, SIR?"

Ah Beng replies:" Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."

---

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on quite for some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.

"It took me ONLY FIVE MONTHS TO DO IT," Ah Beng brags.

"FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG," the friend exclaims.

"YOU ARE A FOOL." Ah Beng replies,

" NO LAH, SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7YRS, LEH!"

---

Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt Competition.

During the Q&A segment, the host asks, "Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'."

The crowd shouts, "Gin! Gin!"

Others exclaim, "No it's Grape Juice!" Another smart aleck yells, "Alamak, Gatorade!"

Host: "Quiet please." Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before replying, "C'mon man, you think I need your help? I got more original answer: Guni!"(Cow milk in Hokkien).

---

Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it when he encountered some problems.

He decided to use the 'Help' command.

After some tries, he became irritated and called the computer retailer for support.

Ah Beng:" I pressed the 'F1' key for help? But it's been over half an hour and still nobody has come to help me???" Computer Retailer:...............

---

In an English class: Teacher: "Class, do you know the meaning of parents?"

Ah Beng: "Yes, teacher, it means father and mother."

Teacher: "Good. Can you give me an example?"

Ah Beng: "Sure. Cowboy's parents mean cowboy's father and mother. Also can say Cowboy's father is Cow Pay and Cowboy's mother is Cow Boo. So together we say Cow Pay Cow Boo (KPKB)." Teacher fainted...............

---

Ah Beng with his two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what happened to his ears and he answered," I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring loh but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.

So kena loh!" "Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But? What happen to the other ear?"

"Aiyah! That stoooopid dumbo called back!"

---

Ah Beng and Ah Seng rent a boat and fish in a lake everyday.

One day, they caught 30 fishes.

Ah Beng said to Ah Seng," Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."

The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat,

Ah Beng asked Ah Seng," Did you mark that spot?"

Ah Seng replied," Yeah, I put a big X on the bottom of the boat,"

Ah Beng said," You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

---

Ah Beng and Ah Seng exited and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the key which was in the ignition. Realizing the mistake, Ah Beng asked," Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it?"

"No, that won't work," answered Ah Seng.

" People might think we're trying to break in.

" Then Ah Beng suggested,"

What if we use a pocket knife to cut the rubber, then stuck a finger in and pull up the lock?"

"No," said Ah Seng. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger." The "kan cheong" Ah Beng shouted," We better think of something fast. It's starting to rain and the sunroof is open!!!"

---

Ah Beng serving his NS overseas and far from home, was annoyed and upset when his girl Ah Lian wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

"Regret cannot remember which one is you............... please keep your photo and return the others."

---

Ah Beng and Ah Seng went to a hawker centre.

Ah Seng noticed the hygiene grades issued by the Ministry of Health pasted at each stall and asked Ah Beng, "Eh, the 'A', 'B', 'C' and 'D' stand for what ah?"

Ah Beng snorted and said, "Aiyah, this sort of thing you also don't know!'D' stand for 'delicious', 'C' stand for 'can eat', 'B' stand for 'buay sai' (cannot) and 'A' stand for 'Alamak'!"

---

Ah Beng ordered a pizza and the waitress asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

---

"Oh, look at the dead bird."

Ah Beng looked skyward and said, "Where, where got?"

Funny Theory

CONFUSING ENGLISH

1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

2. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

3. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

6. Why the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean toMake terrible?

8. Why is it called building when it is already built?

9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

10. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why doBars have parking lots?

11. If you take an Oriental person and spin him aroundSeveral times, does he become disoriented?

12. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarianseat?? Human ???

13. If working hours are meant for working, then why are you reading this???

.
.
.
Get Back to WORK !

Husband & wife joke

Husband & Wife - Why divorce?
In a divorce court a woman requested the judge:"Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."
"But why ?" asked the judge.
She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
The judge asked, "How do you know ?"
She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."

Husband & Wife - Love Your Enemy
From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said,
"One month after I die I want you to marry Samy."
"Samy! But he is your enemy !"
"Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."

Husband & Wife - Wedding Ring
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? "
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Husband & Wife - Why?
"Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night,
and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms.
"Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said,
"Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."

Husband & Wife - Same Service
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said,
"When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"

Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband
One woman told another: "My neighbor is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"

Husband & Wife - Love To Do
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said,
"Do you see that couple? How devoted they are?
He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to." Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."

Husband & Wife - No Answer Back
A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."
One of his friends asked." And when you are angry, what do you do?"
The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.

Husband & Wife - Come Home Late
A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him. "Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbor said, "You see, his name is Bill."

Husband & Wife - Problem Father
"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"
He replied, "I'm going to be a father."
"But that's wonderful," I said.
"What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.

Who is smarter

A man was out golfing one day when he hit the ball into the woods. He went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog told him, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The man freed the frog, and the frog said,

"Thank you, but I failed tomention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your wife will get it ten times!"The man said, "That's okay. For his first wish, he wanted to be the most handsome man in the world.The frog warned him, "You do realize that this wish will also make your wife the most beautiful woman in the world, an whom men will flock to". The man replied,

"That's okay, because I will be the most handsome man and she will have eyes only for me."So, KAZAM-he's the most handsome man in the world!For his second wish, he wanted to be the richest man in the world. The frog said, "That will make your wife the richest woman in the world. And she will be ten times richer than you. " The man said, "That's okay, because what's mine is hers and what's hers is mine.

"So, KAZAM-he's the richest man in the world! The frog then inquired about his third wish, and he answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack!" Moral of the story: Men are clever. Don't mess with them! Attention male readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good! Female readers: Please scroll down.The woman had a heart attack ten times milder than her husband!!! Moral of the story: Men are really dumb but think they're really smart! Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!

PS: If you are a man and are still reading this; it only goes to how that men never listen!!! Forward this to all the girls for a good laugh, and to all the boys who have a good sense of humour!

A Fruity jokes

During Japanese occupation in the old Melaya, the Japanese were cruel. They would come up with all kinds of creative punishment for POWs.
This is a story about three soldiers who fought against the Japanese; they were Chin the Chinese, Smith the British and Raju the Indian.

All three of them were captured by the Japanese soldiers one day and they knew their fate was in the Japanese’s hand but what they did not know was what the Japanese have planed for them.

One day, all three of them were called to the jungle to be executed. But the Japanese were so nice that to give them the last wish.

Japanese soldier A said “All three of you go out the jungle and pick the last fruit of your choice and do not escape.”

All three of them were pleased and out to the jungle they went.

First to come back was Smith, he brought his favorite fruit, banana. He happily passed the banana to the Japanese, but the Japanese asked him to turn around, took off his pant and bend down.

“Ouch!” The British scream in paint and just found out his x hole been stuff by the banana he brought back.
One by one, the banana went in until his last breath. His last word was, “God save he Queen!”

Without knowing the faith of his British partner, Chin came back with a basket full of “rambutans”. As usual, he been told to take off his pant and bend down. The moment when the Japanese stuff a “rambutan” into his x hole, he did not scream but started laughing all the way until his death.

Up the Heaven he went, still laughing and caught up with Smith, he wonder why Chin can still laughing while been tortured by the Japanese. He simply answers, “Yes it was painful, but I can not help myself when I saw Raju carrying two big durians and walking happily back. Ha! Ha! Ha!”

Never send a wrong email

A man checked into a hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realising his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile... Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the 1st message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed intothe room found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
Date: January 31, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here; we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!

Your loving Hubby.

Farting in the bus

John took a bus to office one day.

In the bus, just while he was enjoying a fantastic music, he have an urge to fart, must be the onion ring he had just now. The bus was full of people, so he can not fart loudly....

While he listen to the music, he have an idea. He can synchronise his fart with the music beat, ya that was a great idea, he thought. So he just released his gas when the beat was loud.

But after a few round of farting, he noticed everybody were staring at him in a strange way.

Why? he thought, the music beat was covering the farting sound every time. What went wrong?
Then he look downward, and he noticed his MP3 player.

Ooooo.... ya the music came from his MP3 player to his EAR PHONE!

Successful Sons

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at aparty. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economicsand Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company,where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his ownconstruction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returnedfrom the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for? " One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's myson and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his threeboyfriends."

Sex Education by Pua Chu Kang

Chu Kang ( PCK ) explaining sex to Chu Beng's son, Aloysius .........
Aloy : Why is making love so enjoyable ?
PCK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjolable becaws, same like when you dig your nose with your finger mah !
Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sex more than men ?
PCK : Of course woman lah ! When you dig dig your nose, your nose feel better than your finger, right ?
Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get raped ?
PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the load, den someone come over and dig your nose, you like or not ? Ehhh ? Don't pray pray ah !
Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her menses?
PCK : Oy !! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh?? Siow ah ! Use your blain, use your blainnn ...........
Aloy : Why is it most men don't like wearing condoms when they are making love ?
PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a glove on your finger or not ? Not the same shiok feeling mah. Corlight or not?
Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ?
PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your blain, use your blainnnnn .............................. you go and dig your nose in flont of your whole class izit ?? Stupid lah!!
Aloy : Wah ...... Uncle Chu Kang, you are very good.
PCK : "Apa den...... , best in Singapore, JB, some say Batam wah, and now, the whole world also leh!!!"

Wireless technology 5000 years ago

After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Swedish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Swedes, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read; English archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year old fiber-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the Swedes.

One week later, Malaysian newspapers reported the following: After digging as deep as 5000 meters in padi fields in Kedah, Malaysian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, have concluded that 5000 years ago, Malaysian's inhabitants were already using wireless technology.

MALAYSIA BOLEH!!!!!!

A very witty Sami

Sami ditemuramah tentang program angkasawan negara.

Sami: "...Bagi saya, ini semua adalah satu pembaziran atas duit rakyat. Kita sepatutnya tidak hantar mereka ke bulan, tapi hantar mereka pergimatahari. Barulah USA, Russia, respect sama kita...."

Penemuramah: Tapi Dato' Seri, matahari kan panas. Macam mana mau pergisana?

Sami: Cit! itu pasal la u tara jadi mintri. Saya suda lebey 30 tahun jadimintri, saya musti ada jalan penyelesaian. Kita jangan pergi siang, manyakpanas. kita pigi malam, baru ada sujuuuuuk......

Why Chewing Gum Is Banned In Singapore

One day Lee Kwan Yew went to Thailand and had lobster at the dinner with the Thai King. After Lee finished, he asked the King,

Lee : Your Highness, what can you do with this lobster shell?
King: We cannot do anything with it, we just throw away.
Lee : Oh, no. In our country, we send it to the factory and produce some prawn cracker.

Then Lee had an orange. After he finished, he asked the King.

Lee : What can you do with the orange skin?
King: We cannot do anything. we throw away.
Lee : Oh, no. In Singapore , we send it to the factory and produce some orange jam.

Then Lee asked for some chewing gum. After he finished, he put on the plate and asked the King.

Lee : What can you do with the chewing gum?
King: We just throw it away.
Lee : In Singapore , we send it to the factory and produce condoms and send it to Thailand .

Lee said good-bye to the King and the King asked Lee.

King: What can you do with the condom when you finish using it?
Lee : We cannot do anything. We throw it away.
King: Oh no. In Thailand , when we finish using the condom, we send it to the factory to produce chewing gum and send it back to SINGAPORE !!!!!