Ah Seng wants to make love with Ah Lian but he is afraid that Ah Lian will get pregnant, so he approaches his friend Ah Beng for advice.
Ah Beng said "Aiya, very easy one lah. Nah, take this packet of condoms and follow the instructions, nothing will happen one."
So Ah Seng takes the condom and at night makes love with Ah Lian.
Two months later, Ah Seng comes to look for Ah Beng and tells him that Ah Lian is pregnant.
"Cannot be what, did you follow the instructions or not?" asks Ah Beng.
"Na -bei! Got lah. The box says "Stretch the condom over organ before intercourse, I got no organ, so I stretch it over my piano loh."
Ah Beng to a long-distance telephone operator: "Could you please tell me the time difference between Taipei and Las Vegas?"
Operator: "Just a minute........." Ah Beng: "Thank you," and puts down the phone.
At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender," JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." and his companion say, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."
The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks," AND YOU, SIR?"
Ah Beng replies:" Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."
After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on quite for some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.
"It took me ONLY FIVE MONTHS TO DO IT," Ah Beng brags.
"FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG," the friend exclaims.
"YOU ARE A FOOL." Ah Beng replies,
" NO LAH, SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7YRS, LEH!"
Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt Competition.
During the Q&A segment, the host asks, "Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'."
The crowd shouts, "Gin! Gin!"
Others exclaim, "No it's Grape Juice!" Another smart aleck yells, "Alamak, Gatorade!"
Host: "Quiet please." Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before replying, "C'mon man, you think I need your help? I got more original answer: Guni!"(Cow milk in Hokkien).
Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it when he encountered some problems.
He decided to use the 'Help' command.
After some tries, he became irritated and called the computer retailer for support.
Ah Beng:" I pressed the 'F1' key for help? But it's been over half an hour and still nobody has come to help me???" Computer Retailer:...............
In an English class: Teacher: "Class, do you know the meaning of parents?"
Ah Beng: "Yes, teacher, it means father and mother."
Teacher: "Good. Can you give me an example?"
Ah Beng: "Sure. Cowboy's parents mean cowboy's father and mother. Also can say Cowboy's father is Cow Pay and Cowboy's mother is Cow Boo. So together we say Cow Pay Cow Boo (KPKB)." Teacher fainted...............
Ah Beng with his two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what happened to his ears and he answered," I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring loh but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.
So kena loh!" "Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But? What happen to the other ear?"
"Aiyah! That stoooopid dumbo called back!"
Ah Beng and Ah Seng rent a boat and fish in a lake everyday.
One day, they caught 30 fishes.
Ah Beng said to Ah Seng," Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat,
Ah Beng asked Ah Seng," Did you mark that spot?"
Ah Seng replied," Yeah, I put a big X on the bottom of the boat,"
Ah Beng said," You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"
Ah Beng and Ah Seng exited and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the key which was in the ignition. Realizing the mistake, Ah Beng asked," Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it?"
"No, that won't work," answered Ah Seng.
" People might think we're trying to break in.
" Then Ah Beng suggested,"
What if we use a pocket knife to cut the rubber, then stuck a finger in and pull up the lock?"
"No," said Ah Seng. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger." The "kan cheong" Ah Beng shouted," We better think of something fast. It's starting to rain and the sunroof is open!!!"
Ah Beng serving his NS overseas and far from home, was annoyed and upset when his girl Ah Lian wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:
"Regret cannot remember which one is you............... please keep your photo and return the others."
Ah Beng and Ah Seng went to a hawker centre.
Ah Seng noticed the hygiene grades issued by the Ministry of Health pasted at each stall and asked Ah Beng, "Eh, the 'A', 'B', 'C' and 'D' stand for what ah?"
Ah Beng snorted and said, "Aiyah, this sort of thing you also don't know!'D' stand for 'delicious', 'C' stand for 'can eat', 'B' stand for 'buay sai' (cannot) and 'A' stand for 'Alamak'!"
Ah Beng ordered a pizza and the waitress asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
"Oh, look at the dead bird."
Ah Beng looked skyward and said, "Where, where got?"
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